then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
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Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
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Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.