Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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