Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i now understand why vodka
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize