Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
