I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
