Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
