Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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