well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
