dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
