when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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