I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
