we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
