There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
