Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
