You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
