i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
