do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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