Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
