Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
And then he peed in my hair
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