i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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