I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
