I wish they made helmets for livers.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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