last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
