your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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