I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
