I feel like abortions should bother me more
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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