Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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