Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize