please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
