Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
