i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
