I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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