you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
