I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
