im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
