i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
