Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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