The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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