Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
