you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
