someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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