Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
