I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
