So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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