I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
What a dumb baby whore.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
