I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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