She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
