overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
