so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
