I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
