areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
