I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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