Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
