Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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