I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
