I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
