Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
