bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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