I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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