I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
