Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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