I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
